Holy Shitake Mushrooms, Pandora recently introduced me to MK (not MK & Ashley, they’re on an entirely different pandora station) and I am aghast. His soulful, mellifluous voice aided me during Boston’s most recent Nor’Easter. (P.S. Boston weather, if you are, in fact, a person, as I suspect you are, please swing on by, I’ll gladly go to prison knowing that you cannot harm another person, ever again).

Hailing from Oregon (is that even a state?) and segueing into mainstream music from a previous Christian Rock career, Mat has become a breath of fresh air in a polluted, hole of toxic vapors. Most well known for his song “Breath In, Breath Out” which was popularized, like most alternative music, by “Grey’s Anatomy,” Mat’s career has skyrocketed, as has the tent in my size 46 pantaloons.

Mat Kearney on the Interweb

Check out his website, it really doesn’t give you much information, (i.e. how does one go about stalking MK?) but it gives you a bite sized portion of his newest album and his hauntingly melancholy gaze. I know I’ve said it before, and I’ll undoubtedly say it again, but he’s a dreamboat and for the next few nights, I will imagine my life sized body pillow to be MK. If pillows could talk…or in this case, scream in anguish.

Totally just wet myself

Next time on Fineyoungthingz: Mr. Clean–he’ll clean up after you make a (sexual) mess.

Also, will MK return my handwritten (in my own blood) letter? Stay Tuned.

As an aspiring Stepford House Wife, I happened across the paper towel aisle in the grocery store and my woman parts tingled when I saw an Adonis in disguise. He’s tall, dark, handsome, and ripped like a newly opened Christmas present. He has a full head of hair, unlike his paramour, Mr. Clean. And, he just underwent plastic surgery.

The old Brawny man is a mix between Grizzly the Bear and Burt Reynolds. His hair is a dirty kitchen water blonde and his mustache is about as sexual as a flaming bag of horse shit. He, of course, is sporting gingham, but, he opted to undergo a total body reconstruction and I’m sure he used Dr. 90210.

The Brawny man still models the gingham but he’s a brand new man that will help you clean up your spotty messy. (Yes, I made one right there in the grocery store. Clean up in Aisle orgasm) His hair is now a lush black and is full and thick–like the rest of him. He has great teeth, a nice smile, a strong back, and will gladly throw you on yours.

So when you’re all alone and your husband/partner/robot lover is away, don’t worry, we all know who’s keeping you company.

Brawny Man vs. Brawny Old Man

Check Out His Blog: Richard Adams\’s Blog

Given President Obama’s position and funding for educational standards, it appears as though every state has greedily made attempts to procure a section of the 4 billion dollars being set aside for public education in this country.

Texas has taken a running start and, like most states that hug the Bible belt, now struggles to implement addendum to the study of evolution in social sciences. I’m sure we’re all aware that Tennessee has been the frontrunner in ONLY teaching creationism in public schools. Apparently this craze is catching on.

Adams reveals a youtube clip from leading Texas Republican, Don McElroy, who suggests that we “stand up to the experts.” Uh? Okay, if you say so Don. He then uses empirical evidence that states that even Darwin implied that we all come from a common ancestor. However, while that may be fact, when does that leeway to devout creationism. McElroy assumes that the common ancestor is, of course, God and his creation of the world in 6 days, resting on the last.

While I strive to not conjure up a debate between religion and secularism, but McElroy’s plea to change the curriculum will, inevitably, disadvantage a generation of students in a HUGE state. Perhaps we should get off our high horses and think about the children. Can we continue in our fervent beliefs enough and in such a manner that we deliberately harm their educational well being? I’m not sure, but what would Darwin say? God?

The Lone Star State

Read All About It

My only lament is that it is never the ones you wish were sexually forward. In my mind, I pictured a Rob Lowe or a Taye Diggs sexually harassing male coworkers. Alas, Massa is another balding, zaftig white guy who is as sexually appealing as a stagnant puddle of rainwater. Perhaps in the E! True Hollywood story, they will cast him as someone super hot, or maybe that’s just the porn version that continues on repeat in my head. Bow chica wow wow…

Bringing Sexy Back

It is the fulfillment of all my dreams, ever.

I can die happily now.

Handsome Men\’s Club

P.S. I still don’t understand Jimmy Kimmel–what is his appeal?

One question I have to ask myself is what the fuck is wrong with the people who live in cities that superheroes guard. You must realize, on some level, that NOTHING good is going to come of your living there. Clearly there must be some horribly potent evil, maniacal force that has struck for a superhero to even appear. Right?

Furthermore, why would you continue to live in a place where there is a superhero? Yes, there is the batman flashlight that might invigorate your night but on some level you must realize that, fuck, something bad is going down. When that light goes on, some shit is going down and it’s not like petty theft bad or prostitution bad, it’s like toxic waste, morphing humans-animals bad.

This is especially applicable if you’re a white, busty, attractive woman. You have got to know that shit is going down, probably with you at the nucleus. For example, Mary Jane of the Spider man trilogy is a lovely, aspiring Ginger actress. However, how little common sense must she have to not leave that city, knowing damn right well that Tobey Maguire is forced to save her.

In summation, if you’re a sexy white woman (as these comic book heroes are color blind, people of color don’t even exist, go figure) and you see the batman night light or some freak swinging from a web, that’s your cue to get the fuck out of there.

This is a public service announcement.

Run, Bitch, Run

I happened across this actor during a ridiculous interview for a segment on the “I love the 90s.” I was awestruck at his boyish charm and immediately turned to google images to appease my insatiable hunger–it’s my diet, I feed off the physical superficial good looks of others, oddly enough I’ve gained two pounds and a head cold–I need to stop trying to eat my computer screen.

Anywho, this friendly face is probably most known for his work on ER, that dramatic series about ungodly sexualized doctors, which made us all flee to the triage center at a particular inner city Chicago hospital. Born in Yonkers, NY, he has wanted to act since seeing De Niro in “Raging Bull.” He went to school in NYC and then transitioned to TV sitcoms.

Erik has had some shitty UPN shows under his belt and then transitioned to “ER” after refusing to partake in stupid mini-series where he plays the moronic guido. He gives the “Jersey Shore” boys a run for their money, especially Smoochie-that’s a dude right?

You can still find him acting on shows like “NCIS,” “Cold Case,” and other CBS bullshit. Maybe this post will skyrocket his career and he’ll be indebted to me forevermore. (I’ll keep the door unlocked)

Shiz-am

Vince has not aged well

(I wish this allowed for Venn diagrams, they would be much more appropriate)

VV:

• Neanderthal height
• Neanderthal deep inset eyes
• Jew-fro
• Physically overweight, but subtly hid
• Plays the same character over and over again
• Tries to be humorous by speaking faster to a point of incomprehensible slurs
• his gut stick out farther than his breasts
• Saving Grace: drawing a blank

WF:

• Neanderthal height
• INTENSE Jew-fro
• Arguably as funny as a raging case of herpes
• I realize that chest waxing may be emasculating, but seriously….
• Watching your bowl of jelly jiggle does not pay homage to Santa, instead, it has me reaching for the tums
• “Old School” was possibly one of the worst things I have ever had to endure, and I’ve birthed two litters. Someone owes me 8 dollars for that movie ticket. Where are my restitutions?
• Saving Grace: That Pearl/Landlord video on funnyordie.com

In closing, these two are strikingly similar. Perhaps they are the same person. I wouldn’t be surprised. What’s that they say about killing two birds with one stone? Suddenly makes a whole ton of sense.

At the revelation of finefinefine, the bostonist.com happened across a NYTimes article by which Brown revealed his penchant for pink leather shorts. Apparently, he used this attention grabbers to garner the attention of his victims–i.e. that newsreporter chick who bore him two kids.

Read the witty article here: Pink Leather Shorts

Also, in case this isn’t pop culture potpourri, Brown also posed nude in Cosmo in the 80s. The mag is shitty and risque now, imagine what it was like in the 80s.

Suffice it to say, the nude photos have kept me warm, many a night, and may or may not led to his elected position.

10. I have the TBS schedule memorized (Family Guy on Monday, Office on Tuesday)

9. I eat myself out of house and home on a bi-weekly basis.

8. I shower with the door open. My shower curtain is about 70% clear.

7. I fart and swear in my sleep.

6. I scream at the television which includes but is not limited to Disney Playhouse, Bravo, PBS, and VH1

5. I use the bathroom with the door open–I have no shame or propriety.

4. I Shamu swan dive into bed each and every night

3. The odor from my feet is some other shit.

2. I carbo-load with every meal. It is like watching “The Biggest Loser” contestants at an Old Country Buffet.

1. You do NOT want to see my list of most visited sites. (i.e Meloveskitties.com)

Me into Bed